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Becoming an expert on saying no. Well, working on it …

Okay, okay, I know it has been a while since I have posted a blog. A long while, actually. Truth is, I needed a little break so I decided to give myself the summer off. Between writing a book, working full-time, kids, and the continued chaos around the Coronavirus, I needed to let something go. Cause, you know … boundaries.

So I took July to let myself relax a little, enjoy time with family and friends, and get a few things off my plate that I have been needing to deal with for a while (ie: I FINALLY wrote my chapter).

The 6-week hiatus was just what the doctor ordered but I am feeling refreshed now and ready to get back at it. And I figured what better way to start back up again than to write about some of the other stuff I am committed to letting go of this year.

It is not uncommon for women in their 30’s to finally get to a point where they start saying ‘no’ to some of the stuff they have tolerated, pretended to like, or agreed to for far too long. I feel as though I got to that party a little later than some (#slowlearner) but hey, I’m here now and making up for lost time! From clothing choices to apologies, here is my list of things that are getting the heave ho this year …

#1 – Clothing items that do not make me feel good. I know I am not alone when I say that I have a pile of clothes in my closet that I never wear but pull out every so often and try on in hopes that this time they will be flattering. You know, the clothes that we keep because one day we will have lost enough weight to get into them again, they will all of a sudden fit us properly, or maybe we were just really bloated last time we tried them on?! I also know that I am not alone when I say that these closet fashion shows always leaves me feeling terrible about myself and stewing in a pit of shame and self-loathing for several days afterwards.

Well, I am done. My new rule is, if it does not fit me or flatter me, it is getting the boot.

See ya, suckers! Go find someone else’s closet to clog up.

#2 – Stilettos. Now, I considered putting these into the above category but decided against it because stilettos/high heels do not make me feel bad about myself at all. In fact, I feel hot AF when I’m wearing them … as long as I don’t have to walk. They are ridiculously uncomfortable. Actually, they HURT. And as much as they really polish off an outfit and make my legs look fantastic, it is inevitable that I will have to walk at some point (Shaune refuses to piggyback me) and it just isn’t worth the pain.

Gilda Radner once said, “I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.”, and I’ve got to say, this is an excellent rule of thumb. If it itches, chafes, doesn’t breathe, contains wires, bends the arch of my foot into inhumane angles, or makes it hard to eat … I am probably going to look for another wardrobe choice.

Besides, I can still look great in a pair of cute flats and a bralette.

#3 – Commitments and events that I don’t want to attend. Now speaking of dressing up and looking cute, that is something I usually reserve for an outing or social gathering of some sort. I LOVE a good party or night on the town with friends … except for the times that I would rather stay home. One of the hardest parts of this ‘learning how to say no’ thing has been getting comfortable with politely declining invites out to social gatherings when I do not want to go. For some reason, I find it excruciating. As in, I would rather eagerly accept the invite, tell you that I can’t wait to attend, and then call you that day of and pretend to be sick so I don’t have to go.

Seriously, what is with that?! Why is it that I feel more comfortable lying to someone I care about than just politely saying ‘No.’ #peoplepleaser

I hang my head in shame and apologize to those of you who are reading this and thinking “So she wasn’t sick that day?!”

I am working on it. As someone who fears disappointing people more than anything else in the world, this has been challenging but … I am committed to being brave and turning you down like an adult. #recoveringpeoplepleaser

P.S.

Bear with me

#3a – Excuses, explanations, and unnecessary apologies. Maybe it is my Canadian nature but I am terrible for unnecessarily apologizing. I am embarrassed to admit this but I have even apologized for apologizing before. Yeesh. Same goes for excusing and explaining every decision I make. From unwanted sexual advances to menu choices and everything in between, I always feel the need to either explain my decisions or ask for forgiveness.

What the heck?!

We don’t owe anyone anything. Well … within reason. Obviously, there are times when an apology or an explanation is warranted. And we need to use our manners,

But generally speaking, I don’t need to explain or apologize for my every move. So I’m not going to.

And I’m not even sorry about it.

4 – Toxic people. Ooooh boy, this is a big one. And to be honest, one of the most difficult. I have always craved a strong sense of community and belonging. In fact, up until recently, all I ever wanted was for people to approve of me. So when it came to drawing some lines in the sand or distancing myself from people, I struggled. I found I would make excuses such as ‘Well, they have been in my life forever.’ or ‘That’s just the way they are.

And while it is true that long term relationships are meaningful and no one is perfect, putting up with toxicity or abuse is a very different thing.

Life is short and I want to surround myself with people who cheer me on, build me up, and hold me accountable. Perfection is not necessary but I do require the people in my life to not be giant jerks, no matter how long they’ve been around.

Oh yea, and they have to be okay with the fact that sometimes I will turn down an invite out. I am really turning into a homebody.

So there you have it. It is good to be back!

I would love to hear, what are some of the things you are letting go of this year?

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