life, Uncategorized

Adventures in dating – Part 1

Coming into the dating scene after being in a longterm relationship can be daunting to say the least. But doing so when you are a single mom raising two kids and holding down a full time job makes it that much more difficult. First of all, things have changed. Everything is online now and as nice as it is to have a bigger pool … it’s easy to get confused. Between Tinder, texting, Facebook, WhatsApp, and all the dating sites, I need a planner just to keep everyone straight. Nothing is worse than asking a guy how his day off with his kids went only to find that you’ve gotten him mixed up with the kidless chef who just told you last night that he was working a double. And all because one is Neil and one is Neal. I mean, seriously!

Also, my priorities are different now. (Thankfully.) I don’t have time for crap. And I certainly don’t have time for another person who needs looking after. I am finding myself way less attracted to the ‘leader of the pack’ type (although those guys are still kinda hot), and way more attracted to someone who uses full sentences, has a job with benefits, and who doesn’t have a criminal record.

For the most part, my whole online experience hasn’t been all bad. I’ve actually met some cool people, a few of whom I hope to keep as friends if nothing else. But I have had a few experiences that have been questionable to say the least. These experiences have left me scratching my head, wondering where on earth these guys are getting their ideas from. So, I’ve taken the liberty of coming up with a list of tips for guys to use when approaching a girl online. You know, cause I’m helpful …

Lesson # 1 – As a general rule, it isn’t advised to ask a girl if you can ‘set up a play date’ or use any other cutesy terms referencing sex. It’s just weird. And it’s probably not going to get you laid. In fact, don’t ask us for sex at all. I get it, you want to get some action. We do too. But it’s more appealing when you don’t act like a horny desperado. Play a little hard to get.

Lesson # 2 – use complete words, sentences, and proper grammar. We find it impressive when you appear to be both, eloquent and intelligent! “Ur prolly even hawter in person” isn’t a proper compliment. I’m sorry, but if you can’t take the time to spell out ‘probably’ (or you don’t know how to), you’re out of the running.

Lesson # 3 – don’t send a picture of yourself flexing in front of the bathroom mirror in your underwear. Unless of course, either your body or your bathroom are seriously impressive. As in, you either look like a Greek god or you’ve just freshly tiled your bathroom and done an exceptional job on the grout. If neither of those apply, well, maybe hold off on the weird bathroom boner pics. Sorry to be blunt but your beer gut, crappy college tattoos, or mediocre bathroom decor are neither endearing or appealing. At least not until we actually like you a little bit.

Lesson #4 – and gentlemen, this is a big one … forget the dick pics. If you really want to send me a picture of a body part, send me a picture of your full set of healthy teeth! Don’t get me wrong, I’m super stoked that you have a penis (Kudos!), but what I really want is to know that you look after your basic health, can cook more than Kraft dinner, and to be honest … I kind of want to see the inside of your medicine cabinet so that I know what I’m working with here.

Can we snapchat that, please?