life, Uncategorized

Let’s resolve resolutions, once and for all.

It’s January! That special time of year when we all dive headfirst into completely overwhelming and unattainable goals only to completely give up shortly thereafter and close out the month by stewing in a pile of self-loathing and disappointment!

It’s a real hoot.

No wonder January is the most depressing month of the year …

Okay, maybe some of you guys can pull off your resolutions but I know for a fact that you are the minority. A minority that I am definitely not a part of.

I am a part of the ‘start a strict diet only to blow it after two weeks and punish myself with a box of cookies’ club.

I have just never been able to get behind the whole resolution thing. It is odd because goals are something I have always been very passionate about. I love setting them, achieving them, writing about them, and I even coined my very own buzzword – goal-stepping! But despite all of my passion for goals, the ‘New Year, New You’ trend has never been my jam. Maybe it is that I am always so drained from the holidays or maybe is is that all the cookies and wine I ingested in the weeks prior have bogged me down. Either way, this year, I decided to say ‘Screw it’, save myself the disappointment, and not even hop on the resolution bandwagon.

Well … sort of. Instead of making a resolution, this year I decided to devote my energy into dissecting why so many resolutions fail, and what we might be able to do about it. (I’ve always been an inquisitive mofo).

When I actually looked at my relationship with New Years goals, I found that quite frankly, I didn’t give a shit about them. I wasn’t creating a goal because I felt passionate about it. I was creating a goal because it is just ‘what people do’ on Dec 31st. I have written about the importance of determination vs. desire before (read here) and I found that when it came to my resolutions, it seems as though I had very little of either. My New Years goals were made quickly, with very little thought, and usually punitive in nature – focused on rectifying all of the ‘bad’ behaviour I had exhibited over the holidays.

Not exactly a recipe for success.

Now I want to be clear, there is nothing wrong with setting health-based goals. But it is important that it is something you actually want and it is imperative that it not be rooted in shame or punishment.

I also discovered something else … when going after a goal of any sort, it is crucial that we examine why we want to achieve it. When I look back at my resolutions that have failed, I can see that I was completely disconnected from them.

The concept of ‘find your why‘ is something that I have heard bounced around a lot over recent years and to be honest, it has always annoyed the crap out of me. If you have followed my writing or know me personally, you know that buzz phrases drive me up the wall and I had just thrown ‘find your why‘ into the box of other phrases that I hate such as ‘holding space‘ and ‘speaking my truth’. (eyeroll)

BUT, when I actually gave it some thought, annoying buzz phrase aside, there is some truth to what all of these coaches have been saying for years. In order to achieve a goal, we have to understand what is driving it. We have to connect to the emotion that the goal represents.

Most goals represent a feeling that we want, and in order to reach them, we need to be aware of what that feeling is. Then we can make sure we are actually taking the right steps to get there.

If my goal is to lose 10 pounds and I ask myself why … the answer will likely be to feel healthier or more confident.

If my goal is to double my income, I am likely after a feeling of security and freedom.

When we can connect with what our goals represent, we can get a lot more clear on the steps we need to take to get there. It also takes away the idea that there is some sort of finish line that we need to cross and that if we don’t, we have somehow lost or failed.

I know first hand that losing 10 pounds does not necessarily mean I am healthier. And it sure as hell doesn’t equal confidence. I have been my most unhealthy and lacked the most confidence when I was at my thinnest (#partydays). Understanding that lets me drop the 10 pound goal post with a win or lose outcome, and allows me to take steps every day to support the feeling that I want to cultivate – health and confidence. I can choose to drink more water, get 30 minutes of exercise, and wear outfits that make me feel amazing!

Sometimes, when we really dig into what is behind a goal, we might find that our ‘why’ isn’t coming from a healthy place. If I feel great, but I want to lose 10 pounds because I know my boyfriend wants me to … Well then, in the words of my brilliant friend Julia, you might want to consider holding on to the 10 but getting rid of the other 180 lbs that is dragging you down.

Understanding why we want to achieve our goals and what they represent is imperative when it comes to actually reaching them. Cultivating more health and confidence in 2021 is a great goal, and losing 10 pounds has actually very little to do with that. I might drop a pound or two as I focus more on supporting my health every day. If so, great. If not, that is okay too. Being able to track and measure our goals is important but I want to measure my success based on how I feel and what my body can do rather than a number on the scale. I want my goals to come from a place of enrichment, not punishment.

So maybe we don’t stop making resolutions. But maybe we start making our resolutions more about the feelings we want to cultivate rather than a finish line we need to cross. And, when we surrender the outcome we think we need or want, we open ourselves up to the other possibilities that we may have otherwise overlooked.

Whether you are looking for more health, confidence, security, or love, take away the goal post. Ask yourself what you can do today to support the feeling or experience you are trying to cultivate. Do something that makes you feel amazing, drink the damn water, and give yourself a little bit of more love today.

In the words of Mahatma Gandhi, “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”

Be the change you want to see in your world. You might just find that it doesn’t come from a number on the scale or an amount in your bank account. You might find that what you are after is closer than you think.

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.

life, Uncategorized

Overcoming Myself

So I was recently asked to speak at a women’s conference. Now when I say I was asked to speak … I mean on stage, for almost an hour, all by myself … in front of 200 women (and women can be judgy!).

I know, I know. What the hell was I thinking?!

And here is the real kicker, saying I was asked isn’t entirely accurate. I actually offered to do this. You see, I just helped a friend organize her very first women’s conference. I have always been a sucker for a good event but this one was AMAZING! It was inspirational, it was moving, it was uplifting. Women danced, cried, and laughed. And when it was done, I said “Gee, that was cool. I think I want to speak next year!”

After all, I have always dreamed of public speaking. Now, I am known to be a bit impulsive. I tend to jump into things, guns a’blazing, without a lot of thought. But, this was going to be a LONG way down the road (a whole year! That’s a long time for someone with ADD!) so it didn’t really feel like a big deal. I mean, why the hell not, right?! I had lots of time to figure it out and more importantly, lots of time to bail if it got too scary.

So when my friend called me and said “Let’s do another event! Do you think you will be ready to speak in a few months, rather then next year?” …. shit got real. All of a sudden, this very far off thing that I would have plenty of time to bail on … was right around the corner. And all of a sudden I had to get very serious about this public speaking dream I had.

The whole concept of me speaking at an event isn’t totally uncanny. I mean, let’s face it, for those of you that know me, I always have LOTS to say. In fact, it can be difficult to shut me up. But … what the heck would I even talk about?!

Now initially, I had planned to talk about overcoming fears. After all, I was about to overcome a few of them with this whole public speaking thing. The big one being fear of rejection. But then something else came to mind – the topic of accomplishment or success.

A bit of an odd topic perhaps as I am certainly not the most accomplished individual in my peer group. At least not by traditional definitions. And I am certainly not claiming to be an expert on success/achievements. Lord knows I have a long way to go before I can start advising people on anything other than how to make darn good nachos or how to binge-watch the entire first season of the Mindy Project on Netflix in record time.

BUT there have been times in my life that I have been darn near unstoppable. I have set my eye on a goal and let NOTHING stand in my way. It’s like I suddenly hit the ‘Christine sweet spot’. And then, of course, there have been times when no matter what I did, I just couldn’t seem to find my way around hurdles, muster up the motivation, etc.

So, over the last little bit, I have been paying attention and examining what things I do that facilitate my seemingly unstoppable successful moments … and what things I do that have me running into the same brick wall over and over again.

And what have I discovered? What is the recipe for my my ‘sweet spot’? Well, the first thing I realized is … there is a big difference between determination and desire.

When I look back on the goals that I have accomplished in my life, they all have one thing in common – I was bloody determined that nothing was going to stand in my way. Not money. Not people. Not circumstance. Nothing. There really wasn’t even a question of ‘if’ I was going to attain my goal. There was no other option.

Whereas, there have been times in my life that I have not been successful. Where no matter what I have tried, I just couldn’t get on top of things. The reason being? I only ‘kind of wanted’ to achieve whatever the goal was … I wasn’t determined.

For example … I want six-pack abs. I would love to be able strut my stuff in a bikini and hear people gasp over the washboard that is my stomach. How bad do I want it? Well according to how often I eat nachos and watch Netflix … not that badly. You see, I come up with excuses, injuries … all sorts of bullshit that prevent me from achieving my 6-pack goal. Because the bottom line is, I have not made up my mind to do it. I’m just not that into it. Let’s just say it’s in the ‘wouldn’t that be nice’ category.

So what’s my point? Well, for me, realizing the difference between determination and desire allowed me to let go of some of the shame and guilt that I was attaching to some of these ‘failures’. And now, the first thing I do when writing down goals, creating a vision board, etc., is ask myself “Is this something I want? Or is this something I WANT?!” When I am honest with myself, I can either move forward guns a’blazin’, or I can take a look at what might be getting in my way. Which brings me to step 2 in ‘Christine’s recipe for success’ …..

You gotta unpack your luggage. Here’s the deal, sometimes what is holding us back from going after a goal isn’t a lack of dedication or resolve. Sometimes it is good old fashioned self-sabotage. Maybe we think we don’t deserve good things. Maybe we have a fear of failure or success. Maybe we think we aren’t smart/talented/attractive enough. Whatever it is, it is a bunch of b.s. We all have these sorts of messages bumping around in our heads (usually from childhood), and they prevent us from going after and achieving our goals. And just like the pile of laundry currently taking over my couch … ignoring it won’t make it go away. You have to deal with it.

How you deal with it is up to you, try journaling, go see a counselor, talk to friends … maybe even try interpretive dance! Just don’t (for the love of Gawd), avoid these things. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, trying to avoid crappy thought patterns or feelings is just like trying to avoid the border patrol while entering another country. First of all, good luck. Second of all, when they do catch you (and they will!), it is going to hurt so much more. Approaching these things head on is so much better. So unpack the crap, figure out where it originated, deal with it, and leave it in the dust where it belongs so that you can move forward with your goals. Which brings me to my next tidbit …

The power of visualization. Now this one is a big one for me because it helps me in two areas – getting very clear about what it is I am after, and getting my brain in ‘the zone’. One of my favorite speakers of all time (Mel Robbins. She is amazing!) brilliantly stated “In order to create what you want, you have to be able to state what you want.” Basically, you need to get specific. The more specific and detailed you are about your goal, the more likely you are to be able to achieve it. Now I have found this to be so true, and it is particularly important when dealing with broader goals such as ‘I want to be healthier’ or ‘I want to be a better mom’. It is pretty hard to achieve something if you aren’t even sure what it looks like or you have no idea where to start. My favorite visualization technique (also courtesy of Mel) that I use to get around that sort of thing is to work backwards. For example, if I visualize myself at a 10/10 in the ‘parenting department’, what does that look like? Well, for me, I see someone who has an unplugged mom/kid date once a week. I see someone who eats family meals together, who is involved in their kids schooling/activities, etc.

Now I have something to work with! My goal is more defined and I have some steps that I can actually take to help achieve it (plan an outing with my son, call and make an appointment to talk to his teacher, and get the whole family involved in a meal plan/dinner schedule.)

The other beautiful thing about visualization is, the more time we take to imagine ourselves where we want to be, the more our brain gets in the zone to actually make it happen. There is lots of research that says, when we visualize doing something, it activates the same areas of the brain as if we were actually doing it so in essence … visualization is as good as practice!

BUT, as hunky-dory as this all sounds, there is a big possibility that we will hit roadblocks when going after a goal. Which leads right into one of the most important pieces of all ..

FAILURE – it’s going to happen. At least sometimes. One of the biggest reasons people don’t succeed is that they give up when they first meet failure. They throw in the towel and say things like ‘It wasn’t meant to be.” or “I’m not talented/smart/good enough” etc.

What a load of crap.

Almost every wildly successful person in the world failed multiple times before reaching success. Steven Spielberg was rejected from film school 3 times. Oprah was told she didn’t have a future in television. Micheal Jordan didn’t make his high school basketball team. Imagine if they had all given up when they first tasted failure?! And I get it, it can be hard to wrap our heads around examples like that. I mean, come on, it’s Oprah! But we are surrounded by countless ‘real life’ stories like that too. Ask your family, ask your friends. I guarantee you that the people you respect most in the world, have failed. Probably a lot. So, get cozy with failure. Get okay with the idea. Replace the word with learning. And for the love of all that is good in the world, don’t give up.

Oh yea, and don’t forget to count your successes too. Sometimes we get so caught up on the big end goal that we lose sight of the small wins along the way. It really is about baby steps and each step we take, no matter how small it seems, is a step closer to our goal.

Which brings me to my last key ingredient(s) – accountability and empathy. Here is the deal – we are responsible for our lives. No one else. Every decision we make either adds or takes away from our dreams and our happiness. But we’re also human. We are going to mess up. We are going to make mistakes. We are going to falter. And that is okay. It is important to be kind, loving, and forgiving towards ourselves , while also taking ownership for where we are at and where we want to go. It is a bit of a balancing act between offering ourselves a little grace … but still holding ourselves accountable for what we want in our lives. After all, the only person responsible for our happiness, is us.

So …

Define your goal – get clear about what it is you want.

Unpack your luggage – stop lugging that stuff around. Get help if you need to.

Use visualization – not only to help you get clear but to help train your brain.

Get cozy with failure – it is learning.

Celebrate the successes – Rome wasn’t built in a day, baby.

Be accountable – but gentle.

And work effing hard – no one said it would easy.

But it is worth it. I truly believe that when we are willing to put in the work, we can accomplish anything we put our minds too.

There you have it. Christine’s recipe for success. If you want my recipe for nachos I am willing to share that too. They really are the best.

In the meantime, I’m going to go visualize myself giving a speech …. alone, on stage, in front of 200 women.

Something tells me I am going to have to unpack some luggage first.