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I’ll be your Monica if you be my Rachel …

I was visiting with a friend the other day and as we sipped our americanos and caught up on each others lives, my friend shared that she was feeling exasperated with one of her colleagues. This woman is apparently very sweet with a kind heart but tends to be overly exhausting and my dear friend was struggling. “She just has no clue! It’s like she is oblivious to her behaviour!” As I nodded sympathetically and offered helpful suggestions as to how my friend might handle her colleagues’ antics, I couldn’t help but wonder … how do people perceive me?

Am I someone who people enjoy for a short time but then breathe a sigh of relief when I leave the room? Or am I (as I like to think) easy-going and effortless to be around? Am I completely oblivious to how my behaviour and energy impacts others? Or am I self-aware and conscious of social cues?

Well, if you know me, you are already rolling your eyes at this blog post … and if you don’t know me, the answers to the above questions are (in order) OCCASIONALLY, RARELY, SOMETIMES, and A LITTLE BIT.

And let me tell you, thank goodness for that little bit of social awareness because if not for that, I might be a real nightmare!

The bottom line is, I am fully aware that I am sometimes high-maintenance or ‘work’ to be friends with. Like on a scale of 1-10 of friendship (1 being someone who is easy peasy and 10 being a Monica Gellar vibe) … I feel like I’m a solid 7. Maybe a 6 and a half.

Now I have nothing against Monica Gellar and I’m not writing this to get a bunch of praise or arguments … “Christine, don’t be silly! You are a great friend!”

Trust me, I am equally aware that I am a good friend too. I am energetic, trustworthy, and entertaining. I am always up for fun and your mom will love me. You can tell me almost anything without me even blinking an eye and I am loyal AF.

But I would be lying if I said that being my friend is a breeze. I can be loud, overly exuberant, hyperactive, moody, and anxious. I can be demanding, inappropriate, and I need constant reassurance. I will relentlessly ask your advice even though I have already fully made up my mind about what I am going to do (otherwise known as an ‘askhole’) and I always seem to be generating chaos around me. I’m not so much breezy as I am tropical stormy.

Oh yea, I am also dramatic and ‘overly expressive’. Now I’ve never really considered my expressive nature to be a negative thing. In fact, I have always prided myself on having exceptional non-verbal communication skills (you will ALWAYS know how I am feeling), but the other day one of my co-workers said to me “It’s amazing, you can whine without actually saying anything. It is like your whole body is whining.” so I’ve since realized that perhaps it is possible to exude a little too much in the emotion department.

Points for being fairly self-aware?!

Anyway, the whole situation really got me thinking … it is a weird balance between loving and accepting who you are but also trying not to be a complete oblivious asshole.

I am always going to be excitable, anxious, and need reassurance. I am always going to ask your advice and then do whatever the hell I want anyway. But it’s also not going to hurt if I try to be a little more mindful of my surroundings … and keep my non-verbal whining to a minimum.

Friends wouldn’t have been Friends without Monica. In all reality, she’s pretty cool. And thankfully she had all of the other characters to keep her balanced and in check. So to my crew, thanks for keeping me in check and loving all of me, even when things get stormy.

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Calling all writers

So turns out, I’m kind of hooked on this whole writing gig. I am thrilled to have recently signed on to lead a new co-author book with Golden Brick Road Publishing House.

The book is tentatively titled ‘Fear is a Liar‘ and will tackle how fear gets in our way, how we can overcome it, and how there is power in all our stories. It will speak of resilience and courage, in all of its forms.

I believe that fear affects us all. Whether it is fear of success, failure, rejection, intimacy, self-expression – when we can find the lessons in our stories, and lean into the fear rather then running away from it, we empower ourselves.

I am looking for women from all walks of life and backgrounds to share their unique experience of fear, how it has gotten in their way, and how they got past it. If this is something that interests you, or think it might be a great fit for anyone you know, please pass my info along. I have included some info on the Publisher and the website.


About Golden Brick Road Publishing House – Golden Brick Road Publishing House is a small, female owned, Canadian, boutique press created to encourage gender and cultural equality while embracing diversity. Our authors grow and diversify their careers within the subjects of health and wellness, sociology, women’s studies, business, and personal development. Boasting a unique hybrid co-author program (one of three publishing programs offered at GBRPH) that capitalizes on the concept of “many hands make light work,” GBRPH works with our authors as partners. Thanks to the value, originality, and fresh ideas we provide our readers, GBRPH books are now available in bookstores across North America.

The co-author program is truly like no other. If this resonates with you, please don’t hesitate to connect.

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“Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.” – Helen Keller

Yesterday I got to hold my book in my hands for the very first time. The co-author project that I, along with many other women, have worked so hard on over the past year. Seeing and holding my words in print was a beautiful and humbling experience. But it also felt really vulnerable. After all, this will be the first time that my words will reach beyond the safety of my family and friends. And as exciting as it is to have a large reach, something all authors dream of, it is also a bit scary.

What if I’m not good enough?

And as the limiting beliefs start bouncing around my head, I have to remind myself not only of the words that I wrote in my chapter … but of the fact that I am not in this alone. I am in this with 18 other amazing women. Women that I haven’t even met (in person). We come from different places, ages, backgrounds, and cultures, and we all created something beautiful together.

We supported each other, promoted each other, and cheered each other on. We wrote a freaking book together!

It honestly brings tears to my eyes. And how appropriate that we wrote about love. Love of self and love for another.

The stories and experiences that these women share are raw, real, and beautiful. They will push you to be a better version of yourself and inspire you to love yourself, and others, a little deeper.

Dear Love, I’m Ready for You is the 4th volume in the 3x award winning ‘Dear Women’ series. Here is the link if you would like to check it out.

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Running towards rejection

Balancing life with humor and a touch of gingersnap

Disclaimer – I had, in my opinion, a bit of an abnormal, normal childhood. It certainly wasn’t terrible by any means … I don’t want to give anyone the wrong idea … but there were definitely some aspects of it that were unique. Now whether these stories of my childhood and youth are worth telling, well that’s a matter of opinion I suppose, but I figured I would give it a go here. So grab a glass of wine, maybe two, and enjoy. We’ll call this Chapter 1.


My father’s name was Delbert. Not a great name if you ask me, I would have liked my father to have a cooler name … but, what are ya going to do?!

His name is one of the handful of things I know about him. Like a really small handful. Among the others – he worked in construction, had a dog named…

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Dear Love, I’m Ready For You

Sooooo, it has finally happened. I am a published author (Dreams come true when you go after them and work hard!).

Introducing … Dear Love, I’m ready for you.

Dear Love, I’m Ready for You is the 4th volume in the 2x award winning Dear Women book series.

Dear Love, I’m Ready for You is a collection of stories about the power of love. Not fairytale prince and princess love — real-life love. The kind that challenges you, brings you to your knees, cracks you open, and pushes you to build a better version of yourself, every single day. This transformative love is real and messy and comes in infinite packages. Love is not only for romantics, we experience it within family, friendships, workplaces and hobbies, but where it needs the most attention is in the love for the self. It is the most potent force in the world. When we open our hearts and are willing to be led by and work with this powerful force, miracles will happen.

Preorder now for our fall release, will arrive in time for the holidays. Visit this link to order and enter promo code ‘christine20’ to save 20%.

As a first time author, and full time writing enthusiast, I so appreciate any and all support! I can’t wait for you to read it.

life, Uncategorized

Overcoming Myself

So I was recently asked to speak at a women’s conference. Now when I say I was asked to speak … I mean on stage, for almost an hour, all by myself … in front of 200 women (and women can be judgy!).

I know, I know. What the hell was I thinking?!

And here is the real kicker, saying I was asked isn’t entirely accurate. I actually offered to do this. You see, I just helped a friend organize her very first women’s conference. I have always been a sucker for a good event but this one was AMAZING! It was inspirational, it was moving, it was uplifting. Women danced, cried, and laughed. And when it was done, I said “Gee, that was cool. I think I want to speak next year!”

After all, I have always dreamed of public speaking. Now, I am known to be a bit impulsive. I tend to jump into things, guns a’blazing, without a lot of thought. But, this was going to be a LONG way down the road (a whole year! That’s a long time for someone with ADD!) so it didn’t really feel like a big deal. I mean, why the hell not, right?! I had lots of time to figure it out and more importantly, lots of time to bail if it got too scary.

So when my friend called me and said “Let’s do another event! Do you think you will be ready to speak in a few months, rather then next year?” …. shit got real. All of a sudden, this very far off thing that I would have plenty of time to bail on … was right around the corner. And all of a sudden I had to get very serious about this public speaking dream I had.

The whole concept of me speaking at an event isn’t totally uncanny. I mean, let’s face it, for those of you that know me, I always have LOTS to say. In fact, it can be difficult to shut me up. But … what the heck would I even talk about?!

Now initially, I had planned to talk about overcoming fears. After all, I was about to overcome a few of them with this whole public speaking thing. The big one being fear of rejection. But then something else came to mind – the topic of accomplishment or success.

A bit of an odd topic perhaps as I am certainly not the most accomplished individual in my peer group. At least not by traditional definitions. And I am certainly not claiming to be an expert on success/achievements. Lord knows I have a long way to go before I can start advising people on anything other than how to make darn good nachos or how to binge-watch the entire first season of the Mindy Project on Netflix in record time.

BUT there have been times in my life that I have been darn near unstoppable. I have set my eye on a goal and let NOTHING stand in my way. It’s like I suddenly hit the ‘Christine sweet spot’. And then, of course, there have been times when no matter what I did, I just couldn’t seem to find my way around hurdles, muster up the motivation, etc.

So, over the last little bit, I have been paying attention and examining what things I do that facilitate my seemingly unstoppable successful moments … and what things I do that have me running into the same brick wall over and over again.

And what have I discovered? What is the recipe for my my ‘sweet spot’? Well, the first thing I realized is … there is a big difference between determination and desire.

When I look back on the goals that I have accomplished in my life, they all have one thing in common – I was bloody determined that nothing was going to stand in my way. Not money. Not people. Not circumstance. Nothing. There really wasn’t even a question of ‘if’ I was going to attain my goal. There was no other option.

Whereas, there have been times in my life that I have not been successful. Where no matter what I have tried, I just couldn’t get on top of things. The reason being? I only ‘kind of wanted’ to achieve whatever the goal was … I wasn’t determined.

For example … I want six-pack abs. I would love to be able strut my stuff in a bikini and hear people gasp over the washboard that is my stomach. How bad do I want it? Well according to how often I eat nachos and watch Netflix … not that badly. You see, I come up with excuses, injuries … all sorts of bullshit that prevent me from achieving my 6-pack goal. Because the bottom line is, I have not made up my mind to do it. I’m just not that into it. Let’s just say it’s in the ‘wouldn’t that be nice’ category.

So what’s my point? Well, for me, realizing the difference between determination and desire allowed me to let go of some of the shame and guilt that I was attaching to some of these ‘failures’. And now, the first thing I do when writing down goals, creating a vision board, etc., is ask myself “Is this something I want? Or is this something I WANT?!” When I am honest with myself, I can either move forward guns a’blazin’, or I can take a look at what might be getting in my way. Which brings me to step 2 in ‘Christine’s recipe for success’ …..

You gotta unpack your luggage. Here’s the deal, sometimes what is holding us back from going after a goal isn’t a lack of dedication or resolve. Sometimes it is good old fashioned self-sabotage. Maybe we think we don’t deserve good things. Maybe we have a fear of failure or success. Maybe we think we aren’t smart/talented/attractive enough. Whatever it is, it is a bunch of b.s. We all have these sorts of messages bumping around in our heads (usually from childhood), and they prevent us from going after and achieving our goals. And just like the pile of laundry currently taking over my couch … ignoring it won’t make it go away. You have to deal with it.

How you deal with it is up to you, try journaling, go see a counselor, talk to friends … maybe even try interpretive dance! Just don’t (for the love of Gawd), avoid these things. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, trying to avoid crappy thought patterns or feelings is just like trying to avoid the border patrol while entering another country. First of all, good luck. Second of all, when they do catch you (and they will!), it is going to hurt so much more. Approaching these things head on is so much better. So unpack the crap, figure out where it originated, deal with it, and leave it in the dust where it belongs so that you can move forward with your goals. Which brings me to my next tidbit …

The power of visualization. Now this one is a big one for me because it helps me in two areas – getting very clear about what it is I am after, and getting my brain in ‘the zone’. One of my favorite speakers of all time (Mel Robbins. She is amazing!) brilliantly stated “In order to create what you want, you have to be able to state what you want.” Basically, you need to get specific. The more specific and detailed you are about your goal, the more likely you are to be able to achieve it. Now I have found this to be so true, and it is particularly important when dealing with broader goals such as ‘I want to be healthier’ or ‘I want to be a better mom’. It is pretty hard to achieve something if you aren’t even sure what it looks like or you have no idea where to start. My favorite visualization technique (also courtesy of Mel) that I use to get around that sort of thing is to work backwards. For example, if I visualize myself at a 10/10 in the ‘parenting department’, what does that look like? Well, for me, I see someone who has an unplugged mom/kid date once a week. I see someone who eats family meals together, who is involved in their kids schooling/activities, etc.

Now I have something to work with! My goal is more defined and I have some steps that I can actually take to help achieve it (plan an outing with my son, call and make an appointment to talk to his teacher, and get the whole family involved in a meal plan/dinner schedule.)

The other beautiful thing about visualization is, the more time we take to imagine ourselves where we want to be, the more our brain gets in the zone to actually make it happen. There is lots of research that says, when we visualize doing something, it activates the same areas of the brain as if we were actually doing it so in essence … visualization is as good as practice!

BUT, as hunky-dory as this all sounds, there is a big possibility that we will hit roadblocks when going after a goal. Which leads right into one of the most important pieces of all ..

FAILURE – it’s going to happen. At least sometimes. One of the biggest reasons people don’t succeed is that they give up when they first meet failure. They throw in the towel and say things like ‘It wasn’t meant to be.” or “I’m not talented/smart/good enough” etc.

What a load of crap.

Almost every wildly successful person in the world failed multiple times before reaching success. Steven Spielberg was rejected from film school 3 times. Oprah was told she didn’t have a future in television. Micheal Jordan didn’t make his high school basketball team. Imagine if they had all given up when they first tasted failure?! And I get it, it can be hard to wrap our heads around examples like that. I mean, come on, it’s Oprah! But we are surrounded by countless ‘real life’ stories like that too. Ask your family, ask your friends. I guarantee you that the people you respect most in the world, have failed. Probably a lot. So, get cozy with failure. Get okay with the idea. Replace the word with learning. And for the love of all that is good in the world, don’t give up.

Oh yea, and don’t forget to count your successes too. Sometimes we get so caught up on the big end goal that we lose sight of the small wins along the way. It really is about baby steps and each step we take, no matter how small it seems, is a step closer to our goal.

Which brings me to my last key ingredient(s) – accountability and empathy. Here is the deal – we are responsible for our lives. No one else. Every decision we make either adds or takes away from our dreams and our happiness. But we’re also human. We are going to mess up. We are going to make mistakes. We are going to falter. And that is okay. It is important to be kind, loving, and forgiving towards ourselves , while also taking ownership for where we are at and where we want to go. It is a bit of a balancing act between offering ourselves a little grace … but still holding ourselves accountable for what we want in our lives. After all, the only person responsible for our happiness, is us.

So …

Define your goal – get clear about what it is you want.

Unpack your luggage – stop lugging that stuff around. Get help if you need to.

Use visualization – not only to help you get clear but to help train your brain.

Get cozy with failure – it is learning.

Celebrate the successes – Rome wasn’t built in a day, baby.

Be accountable – but gentle.

And work effing hard – no one said it would easy.

But it is worth it. I truly believe that when we are willing to put in the work, we can accomplish anything we put our minds too.

There you have it. Christine’s recipe for success. If you want my recipe for nachos I am willing to share that too. They really are the best.

In the meantime, I’m going to go visualize myself giving a speech …. alone, on stage, in front of 200 women.

Something tells me I am going to have to unpack some luggage first.

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Adventures In Dating – how not to be an asshole and other tidbits.

So … dating. It’s been a while since I’ve written about it (mostly because I am in a relationship and my fiance would probably find that weird) … but honestly, it was always one of my favorite things to write about.

I mean, let’s face it, there is plenty of fodder out there. Almost everyone I know has a horrendous or hilarious story. From the ‘stage 5 clingers’ and the ego maniacs to the mommy issues and weird fetishes, there is no shortage of interesting ammo when it comes to penning a piece on the trials and tribulations of courtship. And the whole process of dating can be kind of fun, I love watching my friends get excited about a new guy. Between checking out the online profiles, the flirtatious texts, the awkward first meetings, the anticipation of ‘the first time’ … what’s not to love?!

But there is another side of it too. Dating can also be frustrating and involve a lot of heartbreak and hurt feelings. And I have noticed some trends while watching my friends on the dating scene that are definitely nothing to love. Trends that are all too familiar from my days on the prowl. Trends that are prevalent enough to warrant writing about – for cathartic reasons if nothing else.

First on the agenda, ghosting. Seriously, what the hell is with ghosting?!

For those of you who have been living under a rock or been lucky enough to have not been a victim of ghosting, it is when someone (who you believed cared about you) suddenly cuts all communication and disappears from your life, without explanation.

It’s a total jerk move. And one that is all too common nowadays in the dating world.

We have all been in situations where we’ve been dating someone and start lose that loving feeling. We need to pull the plug on the relationship but we don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. And we don’t want to feel uncomfortable.

It sucks all around.

But just like most things in life, we have a choice as to how we handle it … We can choose to act like an adult, value the other person, and have a conversation with them about our feelings (or lack thereof) OR …  we can drop them off after a seemingly great date, tell them we can’t wait to see them again … and then follow that up by ignoring their texts and calls, blocking them online, and avoiding them when we see them in public.

Are you freaking kidding me?!

I can understand if you are in kindergarten and there is a kid on the playground who keeps wanting to play with you but you don’t want to play with them, nor do you want to hurt their feelings … so you hide behind the tire swings so they don’t see you at recess. This is understandable behaviour for a 5 year old who has not learned how to handle their own emotions, let alone someone elses.

But you are not 5. You are an adult. An adult that is (hopefully) able to handle full time employment, credit cards, mortgage payments, and negotiating better cell phone rates. You should be able to handle saying “I’ve enjoyed our time together but I am just not feeling it. I’m not going to see you again.”

Now there are circumstances when ghosting is not only appropriate, but needed. Such as when dealing with stalkers or, at times, the ‘stage 5 clingers’. If it is a safety issue, by all means, ghost away.

But if it isn’t a safety concern (and it most likely won’t be), for the love of God, be an adult and just say something! And don’t give me the whole “I don’t want to hurt them” baloney.  I can tell you that disappearing from someone’s life without explanation is far more cruel than a good old fashioned dumping.

Rule of thumb – treat others like they matter as much as you. Cause .. they do.

Rant over.

Next up, a tidbit for the ladies. Now, this could apply to men too but I have found this to be a little more prevalent among us gals sooooo here goes …. Girls, there will be times when you are dating someone and you will start to feel anxious and wonder if the guy you are seeing really likes you.

Well, chances are … he doesn’t. Let me explain.

If you have to wonder how a guy feels about you, he’s not that into you. Guaranteed. When a guy likes you (the whole you, not just your vagina), you will know. It won’t matter if he is out with his buddies, at his Grandma’s funeral, or on a boat in the middle of the ocean, he will put a lot of effort into getting in touch with you. A guy will seriously climb a mountain just to get a good enough signal to send you a text to see how your day has been. He will show you that he is interested in you on the regular because he will want to ensure that someone else doesn’t snatch you up.

There should be no wondering, no anxiety, and no stress in the beginning of a potential relationship. It should be all fun and flirtation.

If you find yourself waiting unreasonable lengths of time for him to text back, if he runs hot and cold, if he only wants to hang out last minute or when is drinking (ie: horny) … you are not a priority.

Now this sucks, especially if you’re really into him, but here is what I learned … Just because a guy isn’t into you does not mean there is anything wrong with you. His feelings about you do not define your value or your worth.

But for some reason, many of us don’t see it that way. We always seem to blame ourselves.

Why is it that when a guy we like blows us off, we instantly start analyzing how we messed it up?! Why do we do that? Let’s face it girls, we get a bit crazy. We go through our text messages to see if we said something off-putting, we criticize our bodies, we scold ourselves for giving it up too soon or not soon enough.

It’s ridiculous. I mean, a little self-reflection never hurts but beating the crap out of yourself?! That’s not so helpful.

Do you see guys doing that? Generally speaking, no you don’t.

If a guy gets dumped, they don’t call their buddies and say “I think it’s my thighs.” or “I shouldn’t have sent so many heart emojis.”

Dudes can take a picture of their very average penis over their beer gut and feel great about themselves afterwords, even if the dick pic doesn’t get the desired response. Because they know for every girl that doesn’t want them, there is a good chance that there is someone else out there who will.

Girls, we need to get on that confidence program.

Okay, obviously I’m generalizing here. Guys can be overly sensitive and insecure too but my point is that not everyone is going to like you. In fact, most won’t. And that’s okay.

And last, a note about sex. When it comes to having sex when dating – go for it! Have sex, have all the sex (just please be safe). But make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Have sex because you want to and because it feels good, not because you hope that it will stir up romantic feelings in someone you really like but who clearly isn’t that into you. As magical as vaginas are, they will not cast a spell over the boy you desire and make him love you … and there is a good chance you will end up heartbroken.

So boink, but boink responsibly.

childbirth, motherhood, Uncategorized

The post-childbirth fun no one ever warns you about

A few of my friends have reached the stage in their life where they’ve begun to want children. They are in their 30s now and excited to start a family of their own, to hear the pitter-patter of little feet running down their hallways.

What are they thinking?! Have they not been reading my columns?!

Just kidding. I love kids, cute little buggers.

And I get it. The whole ticking biological clock thing … I’ve been there. Every once in a while, I even find myself wanting to do it again.  Feeling a life growing inside of you, that moment when you look down and gaze into your child’s eyes for the first time, that sweet smell of a baby’s head – it’s all pretty magical. And I was blessed with two amazing boys, for whom I will always be grateful.

Okay, now that we’ve been over the romantic part, let’s just cut right to the crap now, shall we? Let’s talk post-birth body changes.

Now, of course, one cannot expect to grow a human being inside of them, and gain 35 pounds without it changing a thing or two.

And, for the most part, society tries to be forthcoming about what is to be expected after housing a human being in your body for 40 weeks and then squeezing it out of one of your most delicate orifices. They tell us that it will hurt and they tell us about the stretch marks that will never go away BUT there is a small list of things that no one likes to share.

Now whether it is because these facts are embarrassing, or because they fear that women will become so horrified that they will stop breeding and the human race will go extinct – I don’t know. But, as a writer, I believe it is a part of my job to keep the public informed, so I am going to share this little list with you. (You’re welcome!)

First, I think we should discuss ‘gorilla lips’ – this is what I affectionately nick-named my lady bits directly after giving birth. Why I thought it would be a good idea to check the area out with a handheld mirror, I have no clue. But I did, and what I saw was something that should have belonged to 400 pound Silverback. It was huge, purple, swollen, and angry looking. Prepare yourselves, moms-to-be, prepare yourselves.

Don’t worry, it doesn’t last forever, eventually the area settles down to something more orangutan size and then (thank God!) back to normal. However, although it slowly regains its initial aesthetic appeal, there are other things that will have you concerned. The time will come when you want to ‘use’ the lady bits again (if you know what I mean, wink wink). And there will be two things that will terrify you about this situation; number one, you will be worried that the little rendezvous will be painful (squeezing a human being out of there is traumatizing and the first time back in the saddle again can be frightening) and number two; you will be scared that your partner will find the big moment similar to throwing a hot dog down a hallway. But don’t worry; your man will be so relieved to just be allowed near the area again that he won’t care. And fear not, the hallway can easily be remedied by doing your kegels – do those every day and that sucker will spring right back into shape in no time!

Okay, now that we’ve covered that, let’s move up north of the border and discuss what’s going to happen to your breasts. Now, immediately post baby, those suckers are going to blow up like giant balloons! I’m talking ‘make Pamela Anderson look like an A-cup’ kinda big. They will be rock hard, shiny, and they will hurt like mad, BUT on the upside, you will look like a porn star which will distract you from the gorilla that’s taken up residence in your pants. Don’t get too excited, though, because after your milk regulates and your baby begins sucking you dry, you will be left with two wrinkly empty bean bags. So enjoy the Pam Anderson look while you can. I recommend taking some photos because the memories will, unfortunately, fade with time.

Wait, there’s more! We haven’t even touched on the issue of varicose veins … or hemorrhoids, for that matter. You didn’t think that all that pressure and pushing wouldn’t have consequences did you?! That’s right, as if it wasn’t bad enough already, your legs will never be the same again either. Let’s be real – nothing will.

Yup, it’s awful … but here’s the thing – it’s worth it. It’s all actually worth it.

As I sit here at my computer with memories of gorilla lips all too fresh in my head, with my empty shrunken tube sock boobs nestled neatly in my lap, listening to my children squabble and wipe their noses on everything, I can’t help but feel my heart swell with pride. After all, I earned it. I earned all of it! So it is with that, that I send you forth into the world, ready for birth. Embrace all the beauty that motherhood brings – the ravaged vagina, the sad sickly boobs, the hemorrhoids and varicose veins …

Or, just print this column and keep it by your bed for birth control.

Your call.

Uncategorized

Adventures in Dating PT. 2

As a single woman in her thirties, I have come to accept the fact that I am going to have some interesting dating experiences. And, I am (for the most part) okay with that. I am prepared to come across men who are single ‘for a reason’. And I think I handle it all very well. I’m polite, encouraging, patient, and I’ve even tried to be helpful by writing some tips for men to use when approaching women online. But recently, I came across a situation which made one thing very clear … I need to expand on that list of tips.

Now guys, I know I don’t speak for all women here but I do think I speak for quite a few when I say – please do not assume that just because I have agreed to meet you/go on a date with you, that you are entitled to put your hands all over my body. Now, certain types of physical contact are definitely okay. In fact, I always greet my first dates with a big ol’ hug. It kind of breaks the ice and gets past that whole awkward first touch thing. But … rubbing my upper thigh two minutes into coffee – not okay.

Now, I get it. The situation is weird. It’s uncomfortable. You don’t know what to do. Maybe you’re really horny. Maybe you’re trying to convey a clear message that you’re interested. I don’t know. But what I do know is that it is a fairly instant turn off (for me, anyways). It’s uncomfortable to have a complete stranger placing his hands that close to my vagina. Especially, when my vagina’s not even sure it likes him yet.

Seriously.

I know what you’re thinking?! “Well, what the hell am I supposed to do, Christine?! Geez, you women are so complicated!”

Fear not, I’m here to help.

Behold, my first nugget of wisdom –

When approaching a girl for the first time and you are unsure of where to start in terms of physical contact, here’s my advice … touch her as you would your grandma.

Yea, I know, that sounds gross, you don’t want to think of your Grandma while on a hot date, but I’m serious. Stay with me here.

There are two parts of the body that are considered fairly safe in terms of first contact. They are the upper back and arms, or as I like to call them – the Grandma zones.

Would you rub your Grandma’s upper thigh while sipping tea? I hope not.

Would you cup your Grandma’s ass when you greet her with a hug? If so, I want nothing to do with you or your strange, strange family.

Do you stick you your tongue down her throat when you kiss her goodnight?

… You get my point.

Just, please, don’t do any of those things straight off the hop.

Now don’t freak out, it won’t be this way forever (hopefully). Trust me, if there’s chemistry, we’re all fairly eager to move on past the ‘Grandma zone’. But it’s a safe place to start. You will appear respectful, attentive, and relaxed. (Those are all very good things for a first date!) And here’s the real key … take note of how she responds. When you hug her (Grandma style), does she stiffen or relax into you? If you are telling a story and reach out and touch her arm, does she seem receptive or does she pull away? Use your judgement.

If things seem to be going well, or even better, if she is initiating touch too, by all means … take it to the next level.

(I’m not sure what the next level would be? Cousin zone?! Nevermind, this is starting to sound creepy.)

Anyway, you get what I’m saying. Start slow. Act casual. Show interest. But do so in a way doesn’t make you seem like a desperate hornball.

Remember, all the magic starts in the ‘Grandma zones’!

So there you have it. My nugget of wisdom. You are now ready to go forth into the dating world and ‘Grandma touch’ away! Trust me on this, you’ll end up between the sheets way quicker by playing it cool. You can thank me later.

And … to the dude I went out with last week. Take note, this is why you didn’t get a second date. 🙂

life, Uncategorized

Adventures in dating – Part 1

Coming into the dating scene after being in a longterm relationship can be daunting to say the least. But doing so when you are a single mom raising two kids and holding down a full time job makes it that much more difficult. First of all, things have changed. Everything is online now and as nice as it is to have a bigger pool … it’s easy to get confused. Between Tinder, texting, Facebook, WhatsApp, and all the dating sites, I need a planner just to keep everyone straight. Nothing is worse than asking a guy how his day off with his kids went only to find that you’ve gotten him mixed up with the kidless chef who just told you last night that he was working a double. And all because one is Neil and one is Neal. I mean, seriously!

Also, my priorities are different now. (Thankfully.) I don’t have time for crap. And I certainly don’t have time for another person who needs looking after. I am finding myself way less attracted to the ‘leader of the pack’ type (although those guys are still kinda hot), and way more attracted to someone who uses full sentences, has a job with benefits, and who doesn’t have a criminal record.

For the most part, my whole online experience hasn’t been all bad. I’ve actually met some cool people, a few of whom I hope to keep as friends if nothing else. But I have had a few experiences that have been questionable to say the least. These experiences have left me scratching my head, wondering where on earth these guys are getting their ideas from. So, I’ve taken the liberty of coming up with a list of tips for guys to use when approaching a girl online. You know, cause I’m helpful …

Lesson # 1 – As a general rule, it isn’t advised to ask a girl if you can ‘set up a play date’ or use any other cutesy terms referencing sex. It’s just weird. And it’s probably not going to get you laid. In fact, don’t ask us for sex at all. I get it, you want to get some action. We do too. But it’s more appealing when you don’t act like a horny desperado. Play a little hard to get.

Lesson # 2 – use complete words, sentences, and proper grammar. We find it impressive when you appear to be both, eloquent and intelligent! “Ur prolly even hawter in person” isn’t a proper compliment. I’m sorry, but if you can’t take the time to spell out ‘probably’ (or you don’t know how to), you’re out of the running.

Lesson # 3 – don’t send a picture of yourself flexing in front of the bathroom mirror in your underwear. Unless of course, either your body or your bathroom are seriously impressive. As in, you either look like a Greek god or you’ve just freshly tiled your bathroom and done an exceptional job on the grout. If neither of those apply, well, maybe hold off on the weird bathroom boner pics. Sorry to be blunt but your beer gut, crappy college tattoos, or mediocre bathroom decor are neither endearing or appealing. At least not until we actually like you a little bit.

Lesson #4 – and gentlemen, this is a big one … forget the dick pics. If you really want to send me a picture of a body part, send me a picture of your full set of healthy teeth! Don’t get me wrong, I’m super stoked that you have a penis (Kudos!), but what I really want is to know that you look after your basic health, can cook more than Kraft dinner, and to be honest … I kind of want to see the inside of your medicine cabinet so that I know what I’m working with here.

Can we snapchat that, please?