I have always been a people pleaser. And a pretty darn good one, too. Like, if there was ever a ‘People Pleaser Olympics’, I would definitely have a shot at taking home a medal.
It is a skill I learned very early on – be what people want you to be and you will never be left. Simple.
I was raised an only child and have some pretty significant abandonment and daddy issues so I developed an innate ability to not only worm my way into people’s lives, but to make sure I stayed there. I craved belonging, and became the ultimate shapeshifter.
“Oh, you like country music? I don’t mind it either.”
“Scary movies? Me too!“
** Note, both scary movies and country music make me want to cry. But there is no way in hell I would ever risk rocking that boat so I spent much of my youth with bleeding ears and terrible nightmares.**
I was the funny kid, the sweet kid, the energetic kid, the charming kid. I was whatever was required of me in the moment.
Even as I got older and became a little more rebellious (read: a teenaged nightmare), I remained likeable. And it was a title I wore with pride.
My friends, parents, teachers, and employers all tolerated even my most rascally behaviour, because I was … agreeable.
“Christine, such a nice girl.“
My people pleasing nature went beyond just pretending to like the twang of a steel guitar to slightly meatier issues. From not sharing important opinions at work or biting my tongue when someone hurt me to nervously laughing at inappropriate jokes or tolerating abuse so that I wouldn’t be ‘rejected’.
I can’t remember how old I was when I realized that there was a downside to my ‘please everyone at all costs‘ approach to life, but I am guessing it was my late 20’s, a fairly typical age for women to get tired of bullshit.
I think I was getting exhausted. Exhausted from having to be a chameleon in order to feel safe in my relationships. Exhausted from pretending to like or dislike things I didn’t. Exhausted from not feeling confident enough in myself to show up in the way I wanted.
I was fed up and shit had to change.
And it did. Or … it is. Let’s just say, it’s been a s-l-o-w recovery. You don’t go your entire life making sure everyone else is happy to confidently ruffling feathers overnight, it takes time and is a bit of a process.
I have had to literally train myself that I can share my opinions without worrying about being left. I have had to get used to the super uncomfortable feeling in my stomach when I tell someone they have hurt me or I don’t agree with them.
It is like everything in my body is screaming at me, “No, don’t do it! There will be conflict. We hate conflict! What if they leave us? We will be all alone.”
But here is what I have learned, although there is a bit of a learning curve on both sides (it is an adjustment in any relationship when you drop the people-pleasing routine), and you might lose a few along the way, the people of value in your life will actually appreciate the change. Turns out, people like authenticity. Go figure.
Like anything, it is a bit of a ‘two steps forward, one step back’ process, and I stumble along the way. A lot. I have had to learn to take things slow, to let people adjust with me, and that being a people-pleaser is NOT the same thing as being ‘easy going’.
But I am working on it. And I am committed to myself and to that little girl who thought she wasn’t enough.
So for now, I say, “Hi, I’m Christine. I am a recovering chameleon.”
Are you a recovering chameleon? Drop me a comment if you can relate. Also, feel free to share using the super-easy share buttons below!
christineesovoloff.home.blog 
Good one. Thanks for sharing. It will be kind enough if you can also see my page and help each other to grow
My link is https://bomsomguys.blogspot.com/2020/05/How-to-abdominal-fat-in-a-week.html
Thanks a lot for your kind support
Best Regards
BOMSOMGUYS
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Thanks! And I checked it out, great post! Most people dont realize how bad stress can be … and how it affects our waistline;)
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On the contrary I’m not a people pleaser! Good to know your point of view. After reading this I can now communicate better with the people pleasers.
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Yes, I can so relate! I became a recovering chameleon at age 33, when I had my son. We’re all still adjusting over here. 🙂 Thanks for sharing!
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Thank you for reading! It is a process but I think so important to model for our children! 🙂
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Hi it’s Brenda from RubyHemMinistries.com I just wrote a series about this topic on my blog. Thanks for reminding me I’m not alone.
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I never tried to please people and always had a very outspoken opinion about everything. If you do not like me, I am fine with that. If you like me, that is good too. Life is to short to live by others people opinions and rules
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I’m so glad you wrote this post – I bet a lot of people can relate to it! I am a different sort of people-pleaser (I will not agree with everything, but I will keep my mouth shut when I should speak up, or run away from the situation to avoid conflict), and it’s SO important to learn to stand up for ourselves and our own thoughts/opinions/beliefs!
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Totally! I have a long way to go but I am so much better than I was!
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Definitely in the same “lane.” I’ve got a lot of challenges ahead but can see I’ve come quite a way in just 2 months.
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Wow, bleeding ears and nightmares! I’m not a fan of country either but I love some horror films.
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Lol, the freak me out! Nightmares for days!
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Besides having the name in common, I guess in the past I was trying to be a people pleaser just like you. Until I stopped. What a relief!
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I’m glad you were able to. Not easy but I am getting there lol
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I can relate to this in so many ways. I have always tried to be a people pleaser to my own detriment.
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Yes, I feel like women in particular are trained to be people pleasers!
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This hit home for me. I’ve noticed my son who is 6 years old is also a people pleaser. I’m not sure why maybe to fit in. I have been reassuring him that he doesn’t have to do things just because he wants to be friends with someone. They should love him for who he is and he’s entitled to his own opinions. He’s not a twin, but you think he was. He always wants to have company if myself or his dad can’t play with him.
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My kids are both people pleasers too. I think maybe insecurity? Makes me sad. Hopefully seeing me stop it will help them
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I have the same issue too: I tend to please people. I am working on it but it is hard to overcome.
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It’s not easy!
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My daughter was just struggling with this yesterday. Thanks for this post! I was trying to figure out how to help her.
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You’re welcome! And thanks for reading!
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I can related to this post a lot! I also used to be a chameleon, but now I am 100% me.
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Yay! I am getting there!
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Omg, I can relate so much to this. Being a people pleaser myself, this post was quite a read.
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Thanks for reading! Glad it resonated!
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Hello there rec9vering chameleon! I’m glad to meet you here 🙂
I’m happy that you chose to be more open and enjoy life even more. Not all chameleons are like you. Some of them chose to stay in their little cave.
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I still retreat to my cave from time to time! LOL
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It makes sense that we kind of adapt to fit in to our situations. It is good to remember to be true to ourselves; we don’t always have to be the same!
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I agree, human nature to want to be accepted and fit in with our peers. However, we need to have balance and be true to ourselves, just as you said! Thanks for reading!
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I am also a people-pleaser by nature but have been getting better about saying no to things I don’t feel like doing and standing my own ground. It comes with time and practice!
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