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Recovering Chameleon

Christine Esovoloff

I have always been a people pleaser. And a pretty darn good one, too. Like, if there was ever a ‘People Pleaser Olympics’, I would definitely have a shot at taking home a medal.

It is a skill I learned very early on – be what people want you to be and you will never be left. Simple.

I was raised an only child and have some pretty significant abandonment and daddy issues so I developed an innate ability to not only worm my way into people’s lives, but to make sure I stayed there. I craved belonging, and became the ultimate shapeshifter.

“Oh, you like country music? I don’t mind it either.”

“Scary movies? Me too!“

** Note, both scary movies and country music make me want to cry. But there is no way in hell I would ever risk rocking that boat so I spent much of my youth with bleeding ears and terrible nightmares.**

I was the funny kid, the sweet kid, the energetic kid, the charming kid. I was whatever was required of me in the moment.

Even as I got older and became a little more rebellious (read: a teenaged nightmare), I remained likeable. And it was a title I wore with pride.

My friends, parents, teachers, and employers all tolerated even my most rascally behaviour, because I was … agreeable.

“Christine, such a nice girl.“

My people pleasing nature went beyond just pretending to like the twang of a steel guitar to slightly meatier issues. From not sharing important opinions at work or biting my tongue when someone hurt me to nervously laughing at inappropriate jokes or tolerating abuse so that I wouldn’t be ‘rejected’.

I can’t remember how old I was when I realized that there was a downside to my ‘please everyone at all costs‘ approach to life, but I am guessing it was my late 20’s, a fairly typical age for women to get tired of bullshit.

I think I was getting exhausted. Exhausted from having to be a chameleon in order to feel safe in my relationships. Exhausted from pretending to like or dislike things I didn’t. Exhausted from not feeling confident enough in myself to show up in the way I wanted.

I was fed up and shit had to change.

And it did. Or … it is. Let’s just say, it’s been a s-l-o-w recovery. You don’t go your entire life making sure everyone else is happy to confidently ruffling feathers overnight, it takes time and is a bit of a process.

I have had to literally train myself that I can share my opinions without worrying about being left. I have had to get used to the super uncomfortable feeling in my stomach when I tell someone they have hurt me or I don’t agree with them.

It is like everything in my body is screaming at me, “No, don’t do it! There will be conflict. We hate conflict! What if they leave us? We will be all alone.”

But here is what I have learned, although there is a bit of a learning curve on both sides (it is an adjustment in any relationship when you drop the people-pleasing routine), and you might lose a few along the way, the people of value in your life will actually appreciate the change. Turns out, people like authenticity. Go figure.

Like anything, it is a bit of a ‘two steps forward, one step back’ process, and I stumble along the way. A lot. I have had to learn to take things slow, to let people adjust with me, and that being a people-pleaser is NOT the same thing as being ‘easy going’.

But I am working on it. And I am committed to myself and to that little girl who thought she wasn’t enough.

So for now, I say, “Hi, I’m Christine. I am a recovering chameleon.”

Are you a recovering chameleon? Drop me a comment if you can relate. Also, feel free to share using the super-easy share buttons below!

Published by Christine Esovoloff

Christine Esovoloff is a Marketing Executive, Published Author, Speaker, and Awkwardness Expert (although not necessarily in that order). She resides in the sunny Okanagan (BC) with her kids, fiance, and dog. When she is not busy with all of the above, you can usually find her enjoying a glass of vino or getting bendy in a hot yoga class.

31 thoughts on “Recovering Chameleon”

  2. Yes, I can so relate! I became a recovering chameleon at age 33, when I had my son. We’re all still adjusting over here. 🙂 Thanks for sharing!

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    1. I never tried to please people and always had a very outspoken opinion about everything. If you do not like me, I am fine with that. If you like me, that is good too. Life is to short to live by others people opinions and rules

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  4. I’m so glad you wrote this post – I bet a lot of people can relate to it! I am a different sort of people-pleaser (I will not agree with everything, but I will keep my mouth shut when I should speak up, or run away from the situation to avoid conflict), and it’s SO important to learn to stand up for ourselves and our own thoughts/opinions/beliefs!

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  6. Besides having the name in common, I guess in the past I was trying to be a people pleaser just like you. Until I stopped. What a relief!

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  8. This hit home for me. I’ve noticed my son who is 6 years old is also a people pleaser. I’m not sure why maybe to fit in. I have been reassuring him that he doesn’t have to do things just because he wants to be friends with someone. They should love him for who he is and he’s entitled to his own opinions. He’s not a twin, but you think he was. He always wants to have company if myself or his dad can’t play with him.

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  10. My daughter was just struggling with this yesterday. Thanks for this post! I was trying to figure out how to help her.

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  13. Hello there rec9vering chameleon! I’m glad to meet you here 🙂
    I’m happy that you chose to be more open and enjoy life even more. Not all chameleons are like you. Some of them chose to stay in their little cave.

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